Today is two month since David died. I am all over the place inside. I am grateful for yesterday -- a day of real ups and downs, and the hope that the day would be over soon. I look forward to today -- hopefully finding time to get outside to my overgrown lawn and gardens and starting to really think about a future. Acknowledging during the last few days, the reality that my life, as I knew it, is over -- not altered, but over. Facing -- or just starting to face -- the possibilities of the future. My future. Rather lonely at the moment, but really enjoying the support of friends at unexpected times. Feeling the power of writing my mission statement last week, and amazed that I have the reserves for such imagination. Also, feeling the power of working together with friends. Allowing myself to feel weak and broken, but still available to do work that I love.
This is an amazing time. Oh to write such trite words! But where are the words to describe transformation and possibility. I fixed the toilet! I had advice from afar to get through it! I found out that more than our house faces the same challenges and some suggestions to avoid the challenges in the future. This is silly and little, but a moment that helped me get to the next moment.
I am still scared, but I tell Julia that it is okay to be scared. I have to remind myself of that as well.
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