31 December 2010

We have been busy! And that has been lovely. The complete change of what we did for this holiday has had a cleansing effect and I am more at peace today than I have been since David died. This is a good feeling.

Yes, I do have pangs of regret to leave this year and my feelings of great grief behind. These are such a tangible connection to David, but they are not the connection that I want to carry through life. I don't mean to suggest that I am finished with grief. My heart will be heavy with it again and again, but it is becoming an ache, not so much the sharp pain.

Julia has had her best trip yet, marred only slightly by a new behavior. She is so curious these days and loves, really loves rummaging through stuff. Including other people's stuff. Again, this is a step forward. My girl is curious beyond belief. How lovely is that?! But when it is going into Cheshire's roommates' rooms or the closet in a restaurant's bathroom, it is a kitty killing kind of curiosity. She is also taking things -- not anything, pencils, pens, and stores of paper. Well, and also a little pack of jelly beans this morning when she was up before Cheshire or I. We will work on this immediately. Some of it -- especially, that related to art supplies -- feels like "orphanage-like" behavior. She is grabbing what she can to ensure she has enough. I so hope that she can learn to live an abundant life and can adopt a generosity of spirit. This is not an easy task for me who has usually had more than enough. It will not be easy for her, but she wants to please me and may learn only because of that. And that can be a good path for her learning.

Julia has been coloring in her coloring books all week. She got some new crayons and markers from my sister's family and she loves them. Of course. I shipped all of the zhuzhu pet stuff home yesterday. Julia is a little disappointed that she will not be able to assemble the roadways and houses and school and garden today, but it was easier than it has ever been to explain that these toys will be delivered in a few days.

Also, she lost her Tangled coloring book and although she was not happy about it, she did not melt down in the least, and apart from doing some repeated statements of sadness (which were only slightly more than a NT child), she accepted the idea that if we could not find it while we unpacked, that I would buy another one for her. This is a big forward step for her -- no obsessing!

Another good discovery, NYC still feels like home. We had dinner last night with Cheshire, Chris and his parents. His mother asked if I'd consider moving back one day, and I could really say that I could. I have wondered at times what I would do, where to go if I left Wisconsin, and it is good to know that NYC is still that option for me. I do love the people, but not the snow clearing. LOL!

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