Once again the anticipation of the day has been worse for me than the actuality of waking up today and getting the day started. I know that I will track this day compared to last year. I will wish for it back. My heart may break in a new way. I will remember it all. Cheshire getting amazing flights to be with us so quickly. Calls and messages. The kindness of hospital waiting staff. Other families waiting. My friend, Cathy, visiting us as we waited. The feelings of irrational hope and utter terror.
And later it will be tomorrow. And I will have lived through today.
Now that I know the end of the story, it is all so very sweet and poignant. Now that I know the end, our bravery feel like so much more that I thought it was. We did not know we would lose the war, we were concentrating on the battle and our battle cries were fierce and loud.
And now, I am singular. I am ready. I continue to believe that I do almost anything. I have lived through the death of the most important person in my life. I am not through the tunnel of grief, but I am sure that living through this time has churned up every shred of strength that I have within me.
I cry but I am still fierce and loud.