I am heart broken. Four years too old seems much too small an amount of time to deprive a child who will be turning 11 in less than two weeks, who has been on waiting kid lists for more than a year with no interest, and who would have been a lovely daughter and sister in my family.
But there you have it. Of course, the rules might change in the coming months or the next year. In that case, I might be granted a waiver, but it will not be for this child, who will remain waiting on a list thousands of children long and whose special need and late abandonment have probably scared many families away. I am disappointed and feel sorry for myself and for Julia, but even more, I am very sorry for this child who will not have us. We could have been her family.
Last night and early this morning, I was really considering crawling back into my rather comfortable life. I was working on my final LEND presentation and reflexively thinking about what I should do for next year. After the rejection, I was angry and started thinking about living for myself and my family and friends. That little pot of money saved for adoption could fund a very nice vacation -- well, more like 3 vacations. Or some extravagance in the house renovation. Or, I don't even know -- something that had no strings attached to generosity. Generosity in a cosmic sense. That generosity that I've resolved to embrace, that I feel most happy when I am embracing. Why take more schooling about children in need, why look for work addressing the needs of children, why push to create something that would address those needs. Why not just concentrate on Julia -- "cure" her and move on to something much more fun.
Okay, I am not stewing for days about this. Not even hours. Just what was running through my head as I assembled my draft powerpoint. Then I read another blog post: Choosing to be Uncomfortable (http://www.wearegraftedin.com/2272/choosing-to-be-uncomfortable/). It was a quick slap on the cheek, a bucket of cold water, a shoulder shake. Of course, I cannot forget those kids! Those kids that are forgotten by so many fuel me with such a passion. Maybe it is not as easy as adopting one more -- as if that is easy. There is something that I need to be doing. Just need to find out what that is.