11 March 2011

Yes, changing the blog design was a good decision. There is nothing like looking at the face of my smiling girl before beginning to write.

Yesterday was a very active healing day for me -- a morning phone appointment with my energy healer, an afternoon appointment with our attachment therapist (talk about working with Julia's trauma has immense healing powers for me), and an evening grief group meeting. I drove home after the grief group and felt well medicated in a non-medication way. The road of healing and growing is so long. I am seeing and feeling how I gave up so much personal power and personal path to concentrate on David during the long wait for a heart and then after the transplant. Tracing back before that, I am seeing for the first time that I've been a caregiver for much longer and much more intensely than I ever imagined. I've never considered myself that much of a mother or nurse, but I've embraced those roles but not without pushing down some of my own spiritual ambition. I regret none of this -- becoming a decent mother and a strong companion and helpmate have been the lessons of my life. My soul healed from my early life experience and my heart opened. Without David and my girls, I wouldn't have a heart ready to be truly ambitious for the rest of my life this time around.

But it is such a dance -- the discipline of learning love and the cultivating of a free spirit. It is such a discipline -- moderation. Moderation and balance. Moderation, balance, and a wild and crazy life is what I have planned.

On with the road.

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