01 July 2011

July. July 2011.

Woke up just after 4, dozed some, and on my feet just after 5. Garage sale day and the thunder is rolling in. There is always tomorrow, and there are a few more boxes that I gave up on last night, but the adrenaline is high this morning and it is a shame to waste it on cleaning and sorting.

My thought immediately turn to why this isn't so bad -- another day to work, maybe I will sleep tonight (I had lots of trouble last night), and the stuff that I want to get rid of is in the garage, not the basement. Have I found my inner Pollyanna once again?

Some of this is that I have had a task and a goal. It is amazing how responsive I am. I have had a bit of a fear that if I allowed myself to lie fallow this year, that I would not do what needed to get done. Yes, the garage sale has been a short term and outside of myself goal, an occasion that I could rise to, but I could take it on and did without hesitation. How can I say this without sounding too trite -- Today and right now, I am feeling the strength that I first became aware of the morning after David re-entered the hospital. This is the foundation for the rest of life. I have had so many days of distress and fear, especially over the last few weeks as I've shed my busy work, the occupying forces in my mind. Fear about financial issues, work issues, mission issues, and family. Not all of it was rational, maybe, little of it was rational, but it came and comes in waves, too compelling to ignore. High tide in the ocean of my soul. I ride it out -- the fear -- ride the waves and swallow huge mouthfuls of salted fear. And I get scared.

Oh, the thunder is coming. Lots of noise and threats of storming and I am able to feel calm and strong.

I read over the blog for the first days of June last year. I read fear and hope and fitting in some normal life, but most dear are the comments. Many friends praying, hoping, sending encouragement and love. Last year I wrote: There is the belief that you can jump and the angels will catch you, I fell today from a great height and dear and caring people are catching. I am still so thankful for that. So amazed to have such support gathered around me.

Every part of me is aware of the completion of a cycle. Not exactly time to throw off widow's weeds (Is that the expression?), more like the clearing away of winter from a spring garden. Although sad and teary, sometimes scared and very lonely, I am finding my feet and insisting on moving towards instead of wanting to remain behind or move backwards. It is strange, this grief, like nothing else. Maybe like love, all encompassing, unexpected, devastating and known. I begin to feel it was always inside, a possibility ready to be explored. No, I have not made friends with it, nor do I wish it on another soul, but this deep sadness is a new wash on the portrait. New colors. Tones. It cannot, should not be thrown aside just for the sake of relief.

Nothing is sure but change and hopefully growth.

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