07 July 2011

Today, I walked around with what can only be described as a hang over. I woke up with a head ache, dragged myself through the day not wanting to do anything and feeling the full force of the stress of packing that I've imposed on myself. Oy! I thought it strange that I felt relatively okay yesterday but the effects of a few days of crying and feeling tearful all the time hit like bricks today. Strange to have that grace day. My thought right now is that my session with Ellen and then acupuncture on Tuesday afternoon eased me through Wednesday. Could that be?

I did get the car checked out and ready for the journey. I also finished up the packing up of two of the bedrooms and have all the books in boxes. There still feels like too much to do before the middle of next week. And I am acutely aware that I am doing the packing myself. Now, I did almost all of the packing for the move up to Madison and did the unpacking as well, so it is not the physical work that I complain of. But there was David to talk to, David to put Julia to bed or make us some supper or wash the dishes. There was David to tell me to stop working and that the work would all get done. I realize how much I depended on him to dissolve my self-imposed stress.

Julia and I had a good session with Marilyn today. I brought Julia's life book in anticipation of planning some way of getting at Julia's hurt and closed off mind. I had given her more time to be alone and play with her leapster after her therapist left this morning. I needed to pack, and she is always asking for more time to play alone. I bargained with her, asking her to spend more time working with Marilyn willingly in exchange for leapster time. Surprisingly, it worked. Julia was more willing and seemingly more aware of working. And of course, she didn't have to be. She had already had the leapster time.

She read through her life book and for the first time, she read many of the pages. Marilyn asked her questions about the pictures and Julia commented. She seemed to take in the idea of her birth (first) family. I have a picture of a Asian woman with a baby on the page that talks about what I know about her early life and what I surmise. She wanted to know more about that woman and wondered if the mother liked Julia. She also admitted to feeling sad, as well as scared, when we took her away. Marilyn and I talked about doing some sort of workbook type project with Julia -- the volcano book worked so wall. Something where she can reflect on information, draw and then reflect again. We will have more discussion when we get back from traveling before we really begin, but I am excited. It remains my belief that Julia must be willing to open up that part of herself that she closed up so tightly when she was little, and until she does, there will be learning and understanding and maturity that is impossible for her. A mother's theory to be sure, and an optimist's idea.

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