30 July 2010

Early Friday morning

It is early morning on Friday and I am awake. I hope to write a bit and then turn over for another hour or so. Sleep is still woefully short, even with a pill. I feel like I pass out when my body and mind is at the bring of exhaustion and wake up as soon as the utter exhaustion has waned. I am walking around constantly tired -- I look just awful with deep circles under my eyes and my eyes never fully open -- but I cannot complain too much. This is what my body seems to need to do to cope with my soul. I will abide with all this. And it will get better in time.

Julia and I had a lovely time yesterday with Brad -- David's cousin -- and his family. They are the first people, other than David's sister, that I've seen since David has died. There were waves of pain that came over me when I was with them. Each time we have been to there house, we were all together. I've always really liked them and their daughter growing up is just lovely. How to make sense of being there without David. I imagine that somewhere deep in my heart, I expect David's relatives to reject me. As if, I am responsible for not keeping him alive. I know this is an irrational feeling, but there it is. I will not let it keep me from reaching out, but boy, who needs that burden to carry around?

I will go out east and visit everyone I can this fall.

Julia had a grand time, after being really anxious about Brad and his family. Brad's daughter was so kind -- she is 15 -- and entertained Julia for most of our visit. Julia loves attention from "big" girls. She also loved their gifting her with a stencil kit and some books, one of which Anne worked on. She said to me that it was okay to go and visit them again, which is fortunate because Brad offered us lodging for our last night when we return from the Isle of Wight and before we leave in the early morning.

Tonight the wedding festivities begin with dinner for everyone who has come from afar. Linde will be joining us for the weekend, and we will be partying for three day.

1 comment:

Traci said...

Sure hope that sleep comes for you. I understand that you're choosing to ride the wave, but still, I hope that a full nights rest is a gift that you receive soon.

Interesting that this guilt is an emotion that has crept its way in. So grateful to be able to "sit down with you" to hear all that you're feeling.

And lastly, I'm so grateful that you have both of your girls with you now.

Love,
Traci