Spicy Dragons & Dinosaurs

Two weeks. I have to check the calendar to see if it is only two week and really two weeks. Time is moving fast/slow but always ahead. If David was to come back into my life today, I would catch him up, but for how long? I don't mean that I think he is not gone forever, but part of me is automatically saving experiences for him. Part of me is still planning to fill him in and worrying that I will forget something.

And so, another Monday and another week.

Julia and I met her new meds doc (ADHD meds) today. He has more personality than the last one, but I do feel still that I need to keep one step ahead of him to be able to suggest what to do next. This is crazy to me -- still, I bristle at the fact that I who know so very little takes the lead. But I do. We are increasing the antidepressant to 20 mg from 10 mg. I think that the 10 mg has reduced her rigidity, and made transitions easier. We will see if 20 will make any difference. I'd like to increase the Adderall also, but not until we get back from vacation. Then, we will be working again each day and I'll be able to see any changes. Vacation is too varied to give me much information.

Julia had wonderful sessions at Speech and OT today. She did speech first and used the four picture sequences to tell stories. She played a very educational (read, kind of boring) computer game very well, and then did something else. All with a good amount of interest, without too much dragging of the feet, and with dino conversation in the in between times. During OT, she played a kids crazy 8s game -- with a bit less interest but with no complaints, and then did swinging and balancing that showed off how her core strength is getting better, and then did a small craft project that she instigated. It was so good to see her engaged with her therapists. I felt like this was the new level to account for the stuttering that has been going on recently.

Because we had so little in house therapy today, I did not get to do more estate work, and as the death certificates are not here, I could not do the most important parts of the work. Ugh. I hope I can send off death certificates to pensions, savings, and life insurance accounts before I leave for vacation. It is just the first step on all of these, but it would be so good to have it done before I leave.

I am rather weepy today - close to tears a lot of the time. I don't exactly feel David's absence as much as I feel wounded. Some part of me has been carved out. I am hurt.

I wonder if this is what comes after the numbness of the last week.

I need a push -- usually from myself -- to get me going, but I am doing it, at least small things every day. I am getting used to living in the house alone with Julia. I'd say it is an increase in responsibility but not really much -- more in my perception than anything else. Just no one to share locking up with, or pulling up or down the shades. Very small things and they mean something.

I am asking Julia to do more for herself, and slowly I see her doing the things -- getting dressed and undressed by herself, brushing teeth and washing face, putting her dishes on the sink when she is finished. God, so small. It feels like she knows that I need this help right now.