I want to get back into some habits that I have lost. Habits of a short time and in some cases habits that I found in spite of myself. Meditation, recognition of synchronicity, art, physical exercise, spiritual and practical growth -- of course, never all at the same time. As I work hard to help Julia learn independence, I want to also find that for myself - joyous work and growth.
My efforts these days, this year continual to revolve around Julia. Even to the extent that I work with PTO and writing about my own thoughts and feelings, it usually spirals into thoughts and actions to make Julia's life richer. Considering that my motto last year was to give myself away, I am a success. But this success does not erase that I am still in a period of transformation and transition. I am used to doing work that makes my living and long to do work that is right livelihood, engaging, and personally rewarding. And that makes enough money to pull my weight in our family.
I am inpatient with the transition. I have come to a hard realization that there is no answer to be derived on a date certain and will lead without fail to a one inch add in a local newspaper, an interview, and a desk by a small window. Instead, whatever comes next, I will have to make it happen, cobble it together, and launch it into the world. This has been the challenge that has hung over my head all of my life. And I just better take it to my breast and hug it hard. I am not getting away from it, and believe me, I have tried very hard.
I started this entry a few hours ago, feeling inpatient and confused but after writing and thinking some, I know it is just a progress report from the field. I have not hit pay dirt, I have no answers, but I jog along, not unhappy at all. Maybe I am beginning to understand that it is all the journey. I would have never believed the scenery when I was in my 20's.
No comments:
Post a Comment