12 November 2010

Bad Dreams

This morning I wrote an entry and then lost it. Where it went, I have no idea. What I did, the same. No idea at all.

Anyway, so here at the end of the day, which is a good bit better than yesterday, although not a banner day by any means --

I wrote this morning almost in answer to a friend's comment for a sweet dream of comfort and love. I did not have a sweet dream last night but a typical nightmare. I have had these dreams throughout my life although they have changed in scope, and even as this dream was scary, I was not so scared as to cry out or wake up shaking as I did at one time.

In this dream, David and Cheshire and I were living in an apartment. Not one we ever lived in but something small and crammed full of stuff. There was a big closet as there was in our NYC apartment but there were a series of rooms closed off from one another. David told me that I had to leave and Cheshire told me that it was my fault. It was awful and I was hurting very badly. I walked around the apartment intending on packing up my belongings but found that there was nothing there that was mine. I was very confused and wondered if David had taken all of my belongings away already.

I woke up sad and with a great feeling of inadequacy, but as I came up from sleep, I remember that when I had these kinds of dreams I used to ask David to hold me and then drift back into sleep in his arms. I did not have him to hold me last night but the memory of all the comfort that I found in his arms for so many years filled me with such joy. I fell back to sleep remembering the comfort and love.

And so, it was a bad dream with memories of such lovely times.

Today, one of my team members and I went to visit the agency that our team will write a grant for as part of our LEND program. The agency was Common Threads and it provides services for school and therapy for kids on the spectrum and with mental health needs. They have a beautifully renovated 100 year old building and it is run by an inspired mom without specific therapy training. A woman after my own heart. It was a good meeting, awkward only for a few minutes at a time. We, one of my team mates and I, came away with more concrete feelings for the agency and what they need. We still have to gather specific data but this project is on course right now.

My leadership project, however, is feeling in the dumps. I think I have to endure a time of confusion. I will start reading again in earnest -- I had stopped to do other LEND work and was waiting to see what would happen with the IA team. It is hard to once again proceed blindly with the faith that something will spring to mind, but it is the option that I have.

Julia, oh yes, my little Julia, seemed to have a lovely day today. A bit ornery when I came home and told me she was not hungry because she wanted to color, but she ate a big bowl of fresh chicken and carrot soup with egg noodles and a bit of Halloween candy before bed. And now she is snoozing.


Traci said...

That certainly wasn't the dream that I had hoped for you. Glad that, in the end, you were able to feel connected to David, but wow, what a dream.

Big love to you!


Suz said...

I didn't think it was. LOL! But goodness in the end.

Thanks for the love, and right back to you!