And so, I called the car guy to put the engine guard on the car that I ordered last March. I called the snowblower guy to tune up my little machine tomorrow. I ordered fish oil on line and found a better price. I ordered a book for me and some for Julia that I've been planning to do.
Practical everyday things that will get me through the day, and probably the week. I don't mean to avoid the rest of my life, but I don't think any worth while planning goes on with those twinges of fear.
I finished raking the leaves yesterday in time for the city to pick up my piles and to fill my compost to the brim. There was frost on the leaves yesterday and more today. If I can get out today and tomorrow to finish up the garden, I will be really prepared for winter.
I talked to my architect yesterday and we are planning the renovation. Working with her is very spontaneous and plastic. She brings ideas and plans, but modifies them instantly when we talk. As soon as she sends me a sketch of what we talked about yesterday, I will send it out to my builder and to someone she knows for pricing. I have done this before with the old plans, but I think that these new ideas suit me better. Now, if only the Jersey house would sell in the Spring so that I could use that money to pay for the renovation instead of looking to what I have.
I am so much more concerned about money these days. Probably over concerned at the moment. Is it a widow thing to check the bank accounts too frequently? It feels like it is taking too long before all of the money dealings are settled, but then, it is not 5 months since David died. Patience in financial matters is hard for me to come by. It is the doing alone of it after so many years that is hard. Not hard, really. I am doing okay. Making bills and affording to travel a bit for Thanksgiving and Christmas, but I do not feel secure yet. Secure in my own judgement, secure in what is coming in and how I need to plan, secure in standing alone and strong.
People have said from the days after David's death until even today that I have handled life so well. That I move forward so confidently. That they could never do what I am doing. I have wondered so many times what they were seeing, how else I could have proceeded, and why they did not see my falling apart inside insides. This is one of those days that I am putting one foot in front of the other -- faking it in some way. Making appointments and plans. Moving forward even though I have no idea where I am going.
Leap and the angels will catch you. I have been in free fall for more than 4 months. I am putting my faith in my angels whether they be from my insides or from without. I move forward with faith that I will find answers. I move despite soul numbing fear. I have no idea where I am finding the will and the strength to do this. To me, at least, what I am doing is very brave.
And I smile right now because the bravest person I know is Julia. The most daring person I know is Cheshire. I am taking my cue from the both of them.