10 November 2010

To some extent, I believe that I can choose how I feel. I can choose optimistic and satisfied. I can count my blessings. I can smile. I can be excited and at times I can be happy. It is a decision. Always? I am not sure. I know that in the midst of chaos, confusion, sadness, being way too tired, it is a hard decision to make and stick to. Sometimes I chose it all day, for days at a time and then fall in on myself and want to sit still in misery. Sometimes that sadness is too thick to fight through to get to any positive feeling. And it doesn't matter what I am doing or who bright the sun shines.

If I could have stayed in bed all day today, I would have. I am very low. No particular reason, just low. Anxious. I bought tickets for NYC for Christmas and wonder if that is the right place to be. It was a hard buy today because today I would have preferred to cover my head and stay in the dark.

I know this passes -- the the cop at my door who was following up on a complaint that the dog was barking, almost put me over the edge. He told me that there had been complaints 7 times since October. Perhaps some "Dear" neighbor might stop over and ask if I was okay instead of calling the cops. The cop was nice, the neighbor, if I knew who it was, I could imagine torching the house today.

Yeah, this is not a good mood.


barbara said...

i feel sooo bad for you. wish i was there to help you through this. things do get better, they say. you have to go with the feelings, even if you are so sad. maybe you need to do something completely different, i don't know. but you are normal! and no don't torch the neihbors house, wouldn't make julia feel gd. to have a jail bird for a mom,

Suz said...

LOL! You're right. Every day another step, huh? Some forward, some back.