Yes, hard. And when, oh, when will it get easier? There are still substantial times when I feel like I am running in place and waiting for some "real" life to begin. Am I waiting for David to come home? Am I waiting for direction? I have sworn that I would not live life as a dress rehearsal and that is EXACTLY what I feel like I am doing.
Those first weeks after David died, everything I did was painful, slow, deliberate. I moved in shock. The shock is gone now, but there is something more than David that is missing.
I am in no way finished realigning. I am still adrift and I can't stand it.
Being with Lisa, and having Cheshire come down on the bus during the week, was lovely. I am pulled to be with them. I would not have to work so hard if I was with Lisa and her family, to be with people. I think I should be here, in Madison, because of the team Julia has, because of her school, because of my program at UW, because I have the feeling that there is work here for me, because I do have a house, friends, and a church here. But I have to work hard here to balance it all. And I am not being social enough these days. Julia and I had the weekend together without much therapy and I didn't try to find someone to have dinner with.
I am moaning about effort.
And my journey.
And just where I am supposed to be going.
And I smile. The pets -- Latkah and DiDi Chi -- are arranged themselves on the couch with me, trying to get as close to me as they can but trying to stay as far from each other as they can. I think these guys missed me.
Okay, waiting for the a-ha moment(s), after which I can mark a trajectory. My patience is thinning to nothing.
Living out loud, following bliss, is just not feeling too blissful these days!
Oh, also, I am fat!