29 November 2010

Everything, every move is still feeling new, untested, tentative, and possibly a mistake. It is not confidence that I am missing, it is assurance. I shake off the Monday morning inability to move and try, not try, but do something! This is hard.

Yes, hard. And when, oh, when will it get easier? There are still substantial times when I feel like I am running in place and waiting for some "real" life to begin. Am I waiting for David to come home? Am I waiting for direction? I have sworn that I would not live life as a dress rehearsal and that is EXACTLY what I feel like I am doing.

Those first weeks after David died, everything I did was painful, slow, deliberate. I moved in shock. The shock is gone now, but there is something more than David that is missing.

I am in no way finished realigning. I am still adrift and I can't stand it.

Being with Lisa, and having Cheshire come down on the bus during the week, was lovely. I am pulled to be with them. I would not have to work so hard if I was with Lisa and her family, to be with people. I think I should be here, in Madison, because of the team Julia has, because of her school, because of my program at UW, because I have the feeling that there is work here for me, because I do have a house, friends, and a church here. But I have to work hard here to balance it all. And I am not being social enough these days. Julia and I had the weekend together without much therapy and I didn't try to find someone to have dinner with.

I am moaning about effort.

And my journey.

And just where I am supposed to be going.

And I smile. The pets -- Latkah and DiDi Chi -- are arranged themselves on the couch with me, trying to get as close to me as they can but trying to stay as far from each other as they can. I think these guys missed me.

Okay, waiting for the a-ha moment(s), after which I can mark a trajectory. My patience is thinning to nothing.

Living out loud, following bliss, is just not feeling too blissful these days!

Oh, also, I am fat!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

My dear sister, you are not fat!!. You are you and whatever that is it is still you. The most important thing is we love you for you. No matter if you are lonely, sad, depressed, or even happy. We love you for you. This time will pass as well it is hard but it will pass. Love, Carol