11 November 2010

Julia and I went to her parent-teacher conference at 8 this morning and it was the first parent-teacher conference that was wonderful! Gosh, it is totally unfair that David was not here to hear it! We met with her teacher, the special ed teach, and the speech therapist and all praised Julia willingness to do her assigned tasks, sometimes her initiative to do those tasks, and her generally good mood and behavior. It sounds like there is actually a chance that she will finish the first grade curriculum (or get close to finished) by the end of the school year. This is a giant leap forward for my dear one. She is finally ready to be in school.

I wonder if I had it to do over what I would do with Julia. Should I have kept her home longer? Probably. I don't know if I could have done it through all of her behaviors, but ideally, I think that would have benefited her. At least for another year. I don't believe that I would have gotten any further than her dedicated teachers at Franklin in Julia's learning, but seeing her ready for school now I realize how unready she had been. She has been so far behind her age peers. And although she is still not caught up in any way (except for art), I can see her road. Finally.

For me, this qualifies as a miracle.

I, on the other hand, continue in a downward spiral. I have no resilience. No bounce in my ball. I missed a clinic meeting this morning because I did not have the correct address, I got my rejection from the IA lab that I hoped to work for, the didn't do dishes last night -- it doesn't matter. I find my self reeling out of control. I expended a lot of energy at the beginning of the week for PTO and I am still exhausted -- but not amount of sleep helps. I am depleted. I know this is just a phase, another wave of grief, but man, is it a bear and could not be more inconvenient.

I will get through this. I will make another date for clinic and I will figure out a project for myself, and I hope that one day, I will regain a bit of the resilience that I have carried most of my life.


Anonymous said...

hang on suz, hang on. look up for the light to envelop you and give you much needed lift. God/ess has just the right project in mind for you. great news about Julia. We all develop at our own rate. I may someday understand algebra:-)

Traci said...

Oh my friend, how wonderful it would be to give you a great big hug and in the midst of that hug have your grief transferred to me, if only for a short period, to carry for you.

I would gladly carry it while your soul rested and while you enjoyed the laughter and joy. I wish this were possible because I would do it for you, Suz. Because I love you.

And even though this is not possible and I can not take it away from you, please know that you're not alone. We're here and we're rooting for you.

Tonight I wish for you a dream. A dream of your David. A dream where you can tell him all about what's happening. Tell him about his Julia, your pain, your loneliness, PTO, etc. I hope my wish comes true and if it does then enjoy your visit with him. I love when my Mom comes to visit me in my dreams. It feels like I'm able to be with her again, if only for a short while.

Love you!