11 October 2010

A few things today, a day of not doing -- that is, a day of plugging holes in the dike and a bit of talking but not feeling like I made much headway in life. Can't do that every day but it can be frustrating when I can't see forward movement.

So, (1) I wrote emails to two people who know about trauma and kids. I will see them both, separately, on Thursday. Yahoo! I am starting on my project. Who knows just what it will be, but I will get the chance to talk to two people who know much more than I know about trauma who may be willing to offer me some guidance.

(2) My friend Maryann, from Australia called this evening as we were sitting down to a late dinner. I had been thinking about her since last Thursday when I worked with the Energy Therapist. Maryann had guided my last past life regression, and I wanted to tell her what Ellen said to me about past lives. And she called! We chatted, way too briefly, but so good to hear her voice. She commented that sometimes souls that had been together for many lives decide that one needs time alone to develop. This makes such sad sense to me. It is what I feel like I am doing.

(3) Sads and Lonelies have set in again. While I was driving, I thought how I would never see David again, and a bucket of sadness was dumped on my head. I could feel it oozing down until even my toes were sad.

(4) Pissed off like crazy today! I've been glancing at obits in the Times recently. Not really reading them, but looking at the online front page. And what do I see -- people who are 91, 68, 80, 77, 101 dying. 55 is a totally unfair age to die!!! Can I lodge a complaint with anyone?? I don't care if it was his time. Yeah, real irrational. I know.

(5) More irrational pissed off-ness. Old friend who was an incredibly good support for me for a bit more than a month, but had to stop because his wife didn't feel comfortable with my writing her husband. It was email! I was pretty needy. Am pretty needy. And a shoulder I knew was a comfort. Threat? Me? To a 25 year marriage? Right. I had no trouble saying fine, okay, I understand. Now, I am pissed. Yeah, irrational, and I would like to think that David would have done the same -- given up an old friend because of my probably not rational discomfort. But then, I bet he would have said, suck it up and have a heart. I hate being the one to suck it up and have a heart.

Now, on to Julia, (6) She cried today when I picked her up from school to go to OT. She was not angry or out of control. She was sad and she cried. How great is that! On two level: First, she was crying because I was picking her up from school!!! And second, because she was able to have the clear feeling of sadness without anger or fear. This feels like a giant step for her.

(7) Julia's OT asked her to make a list of three things, and expected that Julia would draw the three things. Julia asked for help with the spelling of the three words. Julia wanted to make a word list. My heart sings!

That's all that I am thinking of. Oh, a very strange dream last night, early this morning ,really. I must write it but not tonight. Tired, with a busy day tomorrow.


bbmomof2boys said...

Anger...I know this will sound funny, but that is awesome! You have come a long ways. That end of the tunnel? Its there and I think you are catching glimpses of it now. Will you ever get out of it, into the bright sunshine? Yep, you will, but then you will have days that will pull back in and that's okay!


Suz said...

Thanks, Carla. This is a long journey, longer than I ever knew. And it is words like yours along the way that keep me moving. Oh, I do want to see some bright sunshine now and then.