09 October 2010

Not sleeping tonight. Listened to a lecture and watched a movie. Each time thinking I would fall asleep. But no.

Worked with an energy person on Thursday. All by phone. She was amazingly intuitive. She hit on things, told me things that surprised me she knew. She did my chart before we spoke -- told me giving myself away, my motto of the year, is totally wrong. Told me that I needed some ego to fasten my feet to the ground. Told me that I built too much of myself on relationship to people, positions, work. Then she took me through a clearing to separate my energy from David's. Told me that we were so intertwined that where one left off the the other began was invisible. It was not easy letting go of more of David, but as determined as I am to heal, grow, and make this life mine, I went boldly forward. And it was true that saying the affirmations that I wanted to claim my energy. I wanted to find my own desires. I wanted to stop sharing with David. None of this diminished love.

It left me lighter, maybe more fragile. Weak, like after a long illness, but not physically. Maybe somewhat physically. I have not left the stage of living day to day, of trudging through days grateful for the night and blessed sleep. But I have an inkling, the lightness of being that lingers, that suggests some other way of being. The wild woman that I embraced soon after David died is still alive and very much what I want to be and do.

I'll do some reading now, but first . . .

For a few days, the words to an old song have been coming through. The magic of the internet, I could call it up and listen to three, four versions. Finally, I heard the one that was playing inside my head. It was Carol Bayer Sager singing the song that she and Melissa Manchester wrote. I'd hum it now, imagine humming, but I'll just copy the lyrics:

Well, hello there

Good old friend of mine

You've been reaching for yourself

For such a long time

There's so much to say

No need to explain

Just an open door for you

To come in from the rain

It's a long road

When you're all alone

And someone like you

Will always chose the long way home

There's no right or wrong

I'm not here to blame

I just want to be the one

Who keeps you from the rain

From the rain

And it looks like sunny skies

Now that I know you're alright

Time has left us older and

Wiser, I know I am

'Cause I think of us

Like an old cliche

But it doesn't matter

'Cause I love you anyway

Come in from the rain

Am I singing for myself? To myself? I don't know. Just singin', just singin'.

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