02 October 2010

It is one thing to write what I wrote for my project, my goals and vision statement. It is another thing to share them there, but then for most of my readers, I don't have to look at their faces, and really, I am never sure who is actually reading what I write. But then, it is so another thing to share what I want to do short term and longer term with my LEND team and the bigger LEND group. I was nervous to do it. I can laugh at myself. But it is bearing my soul, wearing my heart right out there in front. And waiting to be knocked down.

Okay, that last is true. And why? Is that what I bring, from my raising, to my crazy ideas? I know those ideas are big and very way out of the box, but those ideas are from inside of me, and in some way are very sensible and easy for me to see and believe.

And no body laughed or told me that it was impossible.

Daring to dream.

I had a splendid time at class yesterday. So much so, that when I left class and headed home I felt rather guilty for not thinking about Julia for a few hours.

We talked about policy -- not that I know much about promoting policy but the core of the lecture and discussion was government. And I KNEW about that. I must say that the idea of picking and promoting a policy, as we are supposed to do, is rather daunting. But as it is my assignment for the week, the picking right now, I will find one.

This program is forcing me out on one unsteady limb after another. Is this how you train leaders?

I am finally comfortable enough with the people to say and ask what I need. My mentor was not there yesterday, sick and at home. So, I corralled another prof, to go over my assignment before I read them to my class. I wanted to make sure they was "okay." Yes, I still need the reassurance. And well, of course I do. I am a floppy fish and very far out of water. But I am seeing how I bring my sensibility which is unique to this group. Maybe they should include a lawyer in every group? I might just suggest that. This crazy world that segregates medical/caregiving professionals from business and law professionals is wrong. We wind up as two very different groups who have a lot of trouble understanding each other. There is so little reason for that.

I thought of this as a free weekend and then went ahead and filled it up with activities. Julia has therapy both days -- I was thinking of cleaning outside or in. Today, we have church and I am doing the announcements for the first time. Tomorrow, I do it for the 9 and 11 o'clock service. I am nervous, but this is exactly the speaking that is one of my leadership goals. I mean, speaking in church is not a goal. But getting comfortable speaking -- this is something that I have never done. A good way to start crawling out on another limb. And I think this is a rather familiar limb.

Tomorrow, after church, I have a PTO meeting and then dinner with a neighbor. And the weekend is over.

These weekends are not easy.

I need more ideas about cooking. Julia is so hard to please -- or maybe so easy. Too easy. Give her a bowl of rice or some pasta, and force her to eat some protein, and fruit or some sweet and she is finished. Maybe if I ate like her, I'd look like my skinny girl. But it is awful boring. She doesn't really let me pack any of her foods with extra calories. When I try I wind up eating that stuff -- Hate to throw good food away! But then don't need the extra calories.

A bit of house work now. And then some research. Marilyn gave me a few books to start with and Ann gave me the name of a prof who might be doing something about trauma in kids. I want to get started. And the house will still be dirty and the garden untended -- but those are the inside the box stuff! And I am breaking that box open!

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