I feel that I am better able to pace myself. To do what I can do. To not expect more than what I have to offer. No guilt. And no heroic effort that is really unnecessary. There will be years of big parties. I hope years of friends. Just not this year.
I have an early evening fire burning in the fireplace. The cat siting on the sofa arm as close as he can get to the blaze. the sun is setting outside and the color at the bottom of the sky is almost the same as the flames the lick the logs.
It is a hard day. I miss David a great deal. The remembering of how hard I worked last year to make it all work, relying on my sureness that by today, all would be fine. We would be a working family again, and we would really, really celebrate. I am sad about the effort, the open heart that believed so intensely that I could bend the whole world to fit my plan. I am sad for myself from last year. This was not the way she wanted it to turn out.
At the same time, and mixed in with the sadness is a profound gratefulness and a joyfulness that is about the present is. And all this mixing is has made me so very weepy today.
I look forward to a good piece of dinosaur cake this evening!