24 January 2011

There are days when I feel alone. I miss that ability to have a live-in best friend who has a stake in my future. I am wondering right now, how I should plan out the next year. I wonder whether I should apply for some work, whether I should take on some new volunteer project, whether I should not be busy at all.

I have been very fortunate that since David died, I have been able to put one foot in front of the other and do things that I enjoy and that have kept me busy. But PTO responsibilities are going to be over in May -- should I take on some larger project like that? I've recently started working with the Families with Chinese Children in Madison and I could give more time and energy there. I am interested in the gradual loss of Madison's music program in schools. I could be interested there. But all of this seems to be on the fringes of my interest.

I've enjoyed LEND tremendously -- I am learning about disabilities, trauma, leadership of sorts, policy making, etc., but I don't see clearly what my role can be in that world. I do not want to do policy/advocacy work which is a bit unfortunate because as a lawyer I could possibility have some credibility pursuing that. I am not really interested in research which is fortunate because I have none of the qualifications needed. I probably cannot engage in treatment with kids because (whether I would enjoy that) I have no qualification.

The idea of running a transition foster home in China for older kids on the adoption track is of great interest. And I know that if adoption changes in China, there are other places that could use this type of program/home. But I can't consider taking on this project in any form until and unless Julia is ready for that kind of life. She is not ready for that now. I have guessed that she might be in 4-5 years, but I doubt it could be sooner. But then how to spend those 4-5 years. How much of my time should be devoted to preparing for something that I cannot put a date on.

I have not considered living a totally selfish life -- doing for me and for Julia, of course, and nothing else. Going to the gym, having lunch with friends, making nice dinners, taking care of us, fixing the house for our enjoyment, traveling. A friend accused me of being selfish in thinking about adopting another child with the prospect of leaving Julia and another child as Cheshire's responsibility if I died suddenly. No amount of assurance that I would take care of the futures of my minor children, seemed to satisfy. Another child would bring a sure path for me, I know that. And would that be so awful? Some advising me think that it would be foolish to set down a path I could not alter so soon after David's death. But what is it that I am supposed to think about doing? Do I putter on the fringes of causes for the rest of my life? Do I take another course, volunteer for another committee, and wait to see what comes up? For how long? And why? I cannot see that something better, something more appealing, something more . . . . I have no idea! is coming along?

Yes, I will keep working and asking questions. I will keep my eye open and ears to the ground. When I was in heavy grief, I was content to just do what I had in front of me without examining future prospects too much. I couldn't really examine much. Now, I think I can examine some but apart from Julia I don't know where to put my focus.

Looking for clarity these days.


Skyrider said...

Question: With what you have taken on, how does one call this "selfish"?

Rest easy until the remnants of this flu passes --



Maps of China said...

I have the perfect answer to people who make such boldly stupid assumptions about our life. I say, "if it doesn't bother/worry/upset me, why should it you"?????? Grrrrr.