30 January 2011

Yesterday, I was struck with the notion that I should not take on any new responsibilities or ties for the next year. Considering that I am still knee deep in PTO and LEND, means that the year could not start until school lets out this summer. And considering that Julia will still have her uber therapy time, cutting myself off from the work I do -- right now, all volunteer -- will not change the day to day as much as if I was childless, or even therapy-less. Also, so much of where I like spending my time is based on a school year, I would have to forgo involvement for the same calendar. On first blush, I worry that I will "lose my place" -- as if I am traveling with a pack and will be left behind. If I do not do a second year of LEND next year, would they consider me for the next? If I ramp down my PTO participation, will people want be back a year later?

What I am wondering about is whether I am ready to face myself for a year? Could I, without distraction, clean out my inners and outers? Can I renovate my house, get rid of old furniture, clean out boxes and boxes of books that have not seen the light of day since David and I moved to Madison 3+ years ago, and do that outer cleaning that i don't even know about yet? Can I bear such an intense time?

Then again, ideas to throw myself into seem to be littering the street. Do I pick up a few and not concern myself with the scrubbing? Last week's cleaning of my own closet pushed me over the edge emotionally. Not bad, at all, but intense. Could I do that day after day without the distraction of interpersonal interaction? Could I do that and continue to maintain and build my community?

I don't want to get stuck, and I feel like I have such a potential for that. I could take a year for "cleaning" and get nothing done, or I could continue as I am and still be looking at the clutter that I need to clear next year.

And of course, this does not have to be an either/or decision. But it does need to be a directed decision -- a projected leaning. Even moderation takes intention.

And no comments about "waiting." Official announcement: I've stopped waiting.

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