04 January 2011

So, so, so. It is Tuesday and the house is clean (the cleaning person and I worked hard today), the clothes are washed and I made chili on Sunday so we are set for food. LOL! I bought a box of duraflame logs -- I know, the whimps way out but it is reliable and easy -- and we have very little snow. Since yesterday morning, I have felt back to myself. Tomorrow will be six months since David died, and I have a feeling of well being that I have been missing for the last six months. It feels unusual -- like a snake wiggling out of old skin, or a butterfly bursting out of a cocoon. But it is not at all exciting or magnificent. It is quiet and I find myself checking myself, inside and out, to make sure that I will not slide back into morass of grief that I have been living in. I don't expect this airy feeling to be constant and I know that I will cycle back into grief now and then, but it is so very good to feel myself. To have a sense of humor. To feel like I am doing more than putting one foot in front of the other.

So what feels like so long that is all I have been doing. Sometimes I have been so very happy to be able to climb back into bed at the end of a day that I have done so very little.

Part of this is time, just time. Time. That seemingly constant palpable ruler of life -- I'll see you later, it is getting late, I'm early, We are on time. On Time. I have been in and out of time since David has died.

Now, I am used to coming home alone with Julia. I am used to taking the dog out every night and cleaning the cat box. There are no turns. I do it all. I shop. I buy light bulbs. Why did David like to buy the light bulbs? I swear that I haven't bought one in 20 years! I bought some yesterday. I make sure we leave the house on time and get to the airport in plenty of time. I check on the dryer and figure out when to take the muffins out of the oven. I call the plumber and talk to the architect. And I am the only one to plan the future. I can check with Cheshire. Ask her advice, but it is me making the decision. I am growing in confidence -- not that I was not confident before this -- growing in . . . I am becoming uncoupled. I am becoming single.

It is strange and I don't necessarily like it. I like being partnered. I like companions, a companion for my life. But I am not uncomfortable. I am standing on my own and owning myself.

I waited a day before writing about this feeling because I did not expect it to stick around for more than a day. But it did. I await tomorrow to see what happens then.

And on a Julia note (Will I someday start writing more about Julia again than about myself?): Julia seems to be reading, or trying to read, everything! Yesterday, on the way to OT, she was trying to read a kids' book in the back seat of the car. She asked about a word she did not know and I told her to spell it. She didn't know what I meant, so I explained that she should tell me each letter in the word. She spelled out "something" and when I told her the word, she said, "Oh, that is 'something'" Again, such an exciting moment to be a part of. What a gift this child is. What a mind is being unlocked.

And on another front: Maybe there will be a surprise soon.

1 comment:

Bobbi Jo said...

Six months...I'm sure it has felt like an eternity in some ways and the blink of an eye in others. So exciting that Julia is figuring out how to read. It sounds like amazing things are going on in that mind!

Can't wait to hear more about the surprise.