As for adopting X or any other child for that matter. I did not expect to make such a decision last month (I was leaning heavily on conventional wisdom,) but it was this particular child who moved me. Still, there were safeguards already inherent in the system and in this decision. Adoption, especially from China these days, is a long and tedious process, and the informal pre-formal process that I am in right now has gone on far too long. I expect rejection (and I expected it even when I asked. The ice cube in hell has nothing on me). Still, I don't regret the asking. It is bringing up so much good thoughts and discussion. I know I grow from it.
And if I was approved to begin the formal process of adoption, the process is taking at least a year, 15-18 months is probably a better estimate. And during most of that time, X will know nothing about it. I will have the chance to consider and re-consider the wisdom of another child considering those most beloved by me without involving X. Although I used the words wild and crazy, this is my code for living the unconventional life. It is not strictly wild or crazy to fall in love with this child. She needs a family, no one wants her, and I might be the best chance that she has. And she is a dancer. I can raise another artist.
Finally, some of what I do might be considered generous and open hearted. We do what we do because we enjoy it. I have more than reaped the benefit of every open hearted and generous act that I have committed. I constantly want to say to my very lovely community that they have done so much more for me than I have ever done for them. But I also find the need to commit and re-commit myself to the generous life because my family of origin has never lived in this way. I was taught a miserliness of the heart, and I admit, I fear it can still return.
I am feeling better enough today to compose. I have some reading to do for tomorrow's class, but I need a nap before I dive into it. I am a better sick person, that is, more patient and willing to take the time and care for myself, when I can see progress. I do need this time on the couch.