I've decided that the focus of my independent project for LEND is my own learning about trauma and a very good report of trauma and children for my class. This is an incredibly small goal -- focused and very tight and I do feel a bit let down in terms of my big ideas. But at the same time, i do have so much to learn and I can use this project to work on aspects of what I need.
Julia is grumpy, has been for about a week. She still wants to go to school, but I hear she is not as much of a willing participant as she was last term. I may just be the give and take of the trauma work that she is really starting to do. Remembering China. She hates to remember but I think that somehow she knows that she must deal with it. She is a brave little girl.
Sometimes it is disheartening to be raising this child who is so different from other children -- like on Sunday at the MFCC meeting when the other two girls, also from China, who she could play with seemed so very normal. But then, it is not -- not disheartening at all. Julia is really like no one else and as much as I love her, I am also fascinated by her. I can marvel and appreciate each change -- backwards, forwards, or sideways. I don't know what will happen to her, or how she will grow up. Is it odd to find that exciting?
Ever since our talking about China the other day, Julia has been calling my Mama. She did the first days that we met but quickly moved on to Mommy. This mama is almost deliberate, and of course, that's what she would have called me in Chinese. I don't know what it means.
This last week, I've talked to two contractors about the kitchen remodel. I received a price back from one which is more than I want to spend, but not much more, and I can see room for scaling back a bit. The second price will come in next week. I talked to a kitchen designer yesterday and rather easily picked out what I wanted -- white, inset, Shaker cabinets. I am asking him for a price for soap stone and for corian for countertops. After looking at pictures and reading gardenweb.com for more than a year, I do know my own taste. And you know, I want to make the kitchen beautiful, but it is not the dream kitchen that David and I wanted. It is just mine. There is a bit of sadness in this but also a new found simplicity that I am reaching for.